A lot of changes have been going on in my life and I wanted to share some of the insights I’ve received and how I’ve been moving through these feelings to create a deeper connection to myself.
I’ve been really into my new morning routine that I’ve wrote about during my May Intentions blog. My routine includes practicing yoga, journaling, angel card pulling and tapping into my intuition and looking at what I was feeling and what I’m grateful for throughout the day.
I received the “ocean” angel card a few times last week, which I thought was fitting since we’re going on a cruise soon. The card means that the ocean is calling you, connecting to water by taking a bath, going swimming or imagining yourself in the ocean can also be actions you can take to manifest this card. I’ve always felt a strong connection to the beach.
Later in the day, my hubs said that he wanted to go to the beach to take pictures, he’s a photographer. I thought, okay, I can stay home, finish the dishes, finish the laundry, do breathwork, yoga and meditation while he’s gone and I have the house to myself. Then on Saturday evening, I was practicing yoga and I pulled the “Ocean” angel card yet again!
I walked out of the bedroom and said, “Josh, I’m coming to the beach with you tomorrow.”
He said, “Okay.”
We woke up early and went to the beach! I walked along the water, putting my feet in the sand and letting the water flow over my feet - the midwesterner in me was freaking out. I FaceTimed my friend who I want to move out here and she wants to move out here, too. She still lives in Iowa.
I connected inward, for hours by myself while hubs was taking pictures. Through my meditation, through my calls with my friend, I came up with some great realizations.
What do I even like?
This is a question, that I’ve been asking myself for a while. I’ve been really struggling and wondering about what I even like for myself. We’re told what to like and dislike by so many people: Parents, Teachers, Friends or other loved ones, people who we trust and people who say that they’re looking out for our best interests. Not to talk shit on parents, I’m not a parent yet, and I know that parents are doing the best that they can but our parents imprint on us behaviors, beliefs and opinions about things that we often don’t question until we’re grown ups. I’m processing through many limiting beliefs and thought patterns that I’m coming to realize aren’t serving me anymore.
I’ve listed a few realizations that I’ve had over the last week or so since going off of social media and reconnecting to myself. Hopefully this will inspire you to think about your habitual patterns and maybe start to question some to really understand yourself better. This is a process and could take a while to move through it. I know for me, therapy with a trained therapist, removing alcohol/social media, adding breathwork/ journaling practice has helped me reach these realizations far quicker than I was when I was going to therapy alone.
Growing up with parents who dress VERY conservatively, I’m honestly lucky I was allowed to wear 2-piece swimsuits as a young girl. With mom consistency saying that my “butt needs to be fully covered” and “why do they even make bathing suits with this little amount of fabric?” I would just go along with it and take it as fact. I would even talk shit about people who wore smaller bathing suits because I thought I didn’t like them bc I needed to be fully covered. I know that my mom has my best interest in mind when saying these things but I also know that this is her programming being imprinted on me rather than me, making my own decision about what I want in a bathing suits.
I bought a swim suit on Amazon, a few weeks ago, and chose full coverage suit bottoms. Then when I was meditating over the weekend, I started to think (meditate on) about this. I wondered if that’s something that makes me comfortable and more secure or if that’s just a story that I’m telling myself, a story that I believe to be true, when I’ve never even really tried on any different types of swim suites.
So we were walking back to the car, at the beach, and my hubs wanted to buy some swim shorts for himself, as our vacation quickly approaches. We walked by another shop, after we bought his shorts, that had many suits for women and I tried on at least 15 different swim suits. Also, to answer the question, “What suit looks good/best on my body?” might be totally different than the style that I think that I like. (I used this same approach when wedding dress shopping).
Let me tell you, the suits that I bought, were not the ones that I thought I was going to buy. I bought ones with small-ish bottoms that go up high on the side with little stringy top that I never would have bought a year ago. I would have been too self conscious and not confident enough to pull it off. I’ve been exercising regularly and have been feeling really good about my body and eating habits. I’m not perfect, but no one is and that’s fan-freaking-tastic!! I can rock my bikini in Greece and be really happy doing so! Everyone in the store, told me how amazing I looked and I know they were correct.
I’m also moving toward not caring what other people think and recognizing how I feel about certain things. I’ve been taking input from everyone else without really tapping into my own wants and it is time for this to stop.
Here’s the scary thing. I’ve had Facebook since 2005, like June 2005. When you had to have an .edu email account. I had just graduated high school and moved across state lines and it was an amazing way for me to stay in touch with all my friends from High School. When I started college, that fall, you just “friended” everyone that you met when you went out at night, everyone in your classes, roommates, dorm-mates, sorority sisters, basically anyone who you met, became a facebook friend.
I most likely have logged on to Facebook, almost every single day since then (minus a Lent where I gave it up).
This is HORRIFYING!
That’s almost 15 years, FIFTEEN YEARS! okay okay - 14 years to be more accurate - spending minutes, most of the time hours, every. single. day. just scrolling through other people’s business to waste time. Watching videos then never making the recipes, liking people’s photos without reading what they’re talking about. Not really paying attention to anything. I think I posted on Facebook only a few times in 2018 and only 3 times in 2019. So, I haven’t been an avid sharer on that platform.
I was a rather late adopter to Instagram. I think I downloaded the app in 2012 or very late 2011 and again became addicted. I’ve likely been on IG almost every single day since then as well. Then I started curating my IG by planning my posts, which didn’t seem very authentic to me. I like the real, authentic what the hell is going on in my life kinda stuff that can be inspirational but is also really fucking real. I don’t want to show a highlight reel of my life, I want to show the real life stuff, the ups and downs, what I’m doing to overcome struggles rather than “look at me and my perfect family/biz/spouse/baby.”
I only had SnapChat for a few months before I realized it was ruining my life and then I deleted the app. I would just sit on the couch, with the TV on at the same time that I was watching people’s videos. Then InstaStories started and I wasn’t missing out bc most people gave up Snap.
I have not been a mindful social media user. I’ve been a distracted, using it to numb my pain kind of way. I’m glad I realized this now instead of 15 years from now when I’m so numb, avoiding my shadow and not really being present in my own life.
Does being on Social Media bring me joy?
Is scrolling through, looking at other people’s highlight reels do me good?
How does being on Social Media make me feel?
Sometimes I would feel anxiety to post for the day. Sometimes I would feel jealousy or fear that I’m not doing enough or comparison to other people and how amazing their doing when I’m sitting here feeling like shit. Not a good spiral to go down when you’re already unsure about your likes and dislikes in your own life. This is how I feel about Social Media. This is why I decided that I needed to take a break. I’m writing more about these feelings within a blog series about the Social Media Detox. I’m going to be posting at least once per week to notate what’s going on with me and my Social Media cleanse.
I feel a little itchy about it, but I know that it’s really good for me as I’ve been feeling called to do it for a long time.
Do I even like my career?
What do I like and not like about my day job?
I love working with people on their career development. I love when my clients’ and students’ faces light up when they finally get the job or internship that they’ve been looking for. My questioning starts because I don’t actively seek out articles and books that are based on career development. I read a lot of self help, personal development, sobriety, mindset and money mindset books, blogs and wellness podcasts.
I get really into career stuff through attending conferences, sharing best practices with colleagues and volunteering for committees that brings colleagues together. I love the camaraderie but this is something that I can get in any field that I choose to go into. I’m really happy at my 9 - 5 and I’m doing this exploratory work, so that when I’m ready to start searching for my next opportunity or make the leap into entrepreneurship.
I know that scrolling through Social Media was hindering this clarity for myself. Watching what other people are doing, leads my mind into comparison and I just get clouded with their success and start thinking about how I could do that too, then I see someone else doing something a bit different and I think, oh I could do that too and the cycle continues.
When I go on visits to companies with students I always LOVE the info sessions and wonder what I’m even doing with my life, bc their careers seem so amazing! I do love working 1:1 with people and teaching these topics with a mix of wellness and habit change, so that clients find their souls true passion or curiosity. I’m digging deep to really understand if this is my true passion, where I get my energy, or if it is the first stepping stone along my long career that I have still ahead of me.
My biz was suffering late 2018 and up until now in 2019, because I was getting bogged down by posting on my social media channels. It was creating such a distraction, that I wouldn’t blog, work on my programs and their format or anything else. I was obsessed with social media and liking people’s stuff vs working on my own stuff. I’m reframing and reconnecting with my biz as well. I even think I’m going to take a break from everything while I’m on vacation and keep notes for when we get back.
You grow up seeing alcohol as this coveted substance that you cannot wait to drink when you’re 21. Then you go to college and everyone is doing it. At least it seems this way. You start to drink, you don’t like it but you keep doing it because all of your friends are. You start glorifying how much you can drink, talking about how much you drank last night and who drank the most.
Your friends guilt you into going out with them when no one else wants to and you’re the person who always goes. Even when I didn’t want to go out, I would go to make my friends happy, instead of sticking up for myself and what I wanted in that moment. Many nights ended in me getting more drunk than I wanted to when sometimes I didn’t even want to go out at all.
Feel free to read more on my other blog about alcohol. Where I go into depth about my relationship with alcohol and why I decided to quit. I’m so happy that I’m not drinking. Today, as I write this, I have been sober for 85 days! Almost at 100!! This is HUGE!! We would drink, for sure, every single weekend and maybe sometimes during the week and to cut back to nothing, zero drinks, after one hangover and compounded hangovers, day drinking, drinking and driving, coming to work not fully present to my students and for myself, I was fed up and just stopped.
Not saying that I’ll be sober forever, but I’m leaning more and more to staying sober and not drinking ever again. There is nothing positive, besides a slight buzz, that I honestly get a better buzz from yoga and meditation, that I get from drinking that I can’t get anywhere else.
Questions to ask if you’re questioning your relationship with alcohol:
Did I even really like it?
What did I like about drinking?
What benefit was it bringing me?
What are other ways that I can get these benefits doing something that’s healthier?
When I was growing up, I was always told that we are “not beach people.” We don’t like sand, we don’t like salt water, we don’t like the beach. I told myself that for a long freaking time. Something that I’m learning is that the beach brings me life! It brings me energy. Sitting at the beach, watching the waves and just meditating on life really brings me back to life! I feel so at peace and calm when I’m listening to the sound of the ocean, when I’m walking with my feet in the sand and watching the waves graze over my feet.
I realized this a few months ago when a friend of mine was in town and we went to the beach and I realized that I really loved the beach! We had the best day eating, drinking (back when I drank alcohol), watched the sunset over the water and just enjoying each others’ company.
Looking back on my childhood, I LOVED sand. I was always making sand castles, I even had a sandbox in our backyard and would spend hours in there just wishing for a pool and going to the beach. I always begged my parents for a pool and to go to the water. I have a LOT of fire in my natal chart (I’m also really into astrology) so I think going to the water really balances me out.
I am a beach person! I don’t have to be there for hours roasting in the sun but I like brief stints in the sun and relaxing listening to the waves and laying in the sand.
Meditate on this…
What is something that you know that you’d like to change about your lifestyle that might scare you or make you itchy but deep down, you know that your life would be amazing after the change? Meditate on this today. Write what yours is in the comments below and let’s share with each other.
These are the kinds of changes that I help my clients make. Email me if you’d like additional information: firstname.lastname@example.org. I can’t wait to hear what positive changes you’re looking to create in your life!